​So this weekend something happened that will change my sex life for the next 20 years. 

After telling the kids to ‘shhhhhhh’ for the 58th time in the six berth camper we had hired for the weekend, finally silence fell.
…..until Harrison asked loudly, in a disgusted tone:
‘urgh, are you two having  S….E……X!? Because of you are having  S…..E……X. You need to stop.  It’s just gross, with your kids here,  close those curtains,  this is grossing me out!’
What the fu#k!? Firstly we actually were not having sex, any grunting noises had come as a result of me clambering up the shit#ing ladder to get into the coffin style bed above the drivers seats.
Secondly, the space from our bed to the ceiling was about half a foot, i could barely turn over let alone anything else!! 
Thirdly…..I was too tired 😜  
So the next morning I questioned harri on what is S….E…..X? 
His answer….
‘its when a man and lady are naked in bed, kissing and making noises’

Day three he wake up and he asks:
‘ who was rocking the caravan last night?’
I had to think on my feet.
‘oh,  i thought you were asleep (true!)  there were some naughty boys outside pushing our caravan.  Did you hear dad go out and shout at them?’
‘no, but thank God for that,  I thought it was you two having S….E….X.  i hope those boys don’t come back tonight! ‘
No fear of that son…they have well and truley got the message😒

So we are now looking for locks to put on our bedroom door and I’m trying to work out how to approach the proper birds and bee’s talk with them …..wish me luck! 

Feeling sorry for myself 

​Day one of feeling like s#;t
Today has been a struggle.   I’m not ill very often but I seem to be paying for that now. 
My throat feels like razor blades, my nose is either running or completly blocked, my ears are aching and my head is thumping.   
Every body movement feels like hard work. 
As a mum you’re not allowed to be poorly,   let alone with five of the little cherubs! 
There is no point even moaning about my ailments to Mike because everytime I try to explain to him how I feel ,  he has it,  but worse!  
After I took the kids to school this morning I tried to get on with some housework but I got distracted…..
Friends turned up with cake! 
I spent all day moving from the sofa to the coffee machine and back again and catching up on the latest gossip. 
Once the kids had been picked up I thought I would try and pep myself up having a hot bath and face mask – it didn’t help. 

After my soak it was back to mum duties.  Mikey had his first rehearsal for a show he is in in the summer.
I could have had two hours of peace and quiet while I wait for him to finish,  but I agreed Libby could come. 
Instead I spent two hours running around Reigate trying to find baby wipes so that I  could wipe the sushi she dropped all over mikes car!  
I’m in now,  nurafen taken,  hemroid cream under my eyes (for the puffiness) and a bowl of cornflakes because I forgot to have dinner 🙊 
It’s not all bad,  did I mention im in bed, blogging and watching Snatch!? 
Day two if feeling like s?;t

Nope,  Definatly not feeling better today but it’s all good because I don’t have anything to do today!
……..oh no sorry, that’s someone else’s life!  Today I am helping at Libbys school trip! 
I honestly couldnt think of anything I would least like to do when I feel like this than spend a day with 30 reception children, but how could I let her down? 

(not a picture of me today!!!!) 
As it happens we had a really good day,  the kids were fantastic and I loved spending quality time with Libby and her friends. 
After school my day went like this :
4pm. Business meeting 
6pm drop off to tutor
6.30.(treat myself to a manicure!) 
7.30 pick up from tutor
8.30 home 
8.45 pour a large wine and Blog! 
Right,  now I’m in bed with soup hoping tomorrow I feel better.
Note to anyone reading this who haven’t had children yet – if you are ill,  enjoy it,  once you have kids,  being ill isn’t an excuse to spend all day on the sofa watching box sets!…..  S#;T GETS REAL! 

Reception Friendship troubles

Nothing prepares you for the heartache when your five year old daughter cries herself to sleep because she doesn’t want to go to school.
Why doesn’t she want to go to school?  because her friends don’t want to play with her anymore.
Libby is still massively emotional and tired from our holiday so I wrongly dismissed her feelings when she first told me.
‘play with someone else’ ‘you will be friends again tomorrow’ ‘stay away from them’
When she cried all evening and on the way to school the next morning I realised there really was something wrong.
I mentioned it to the teacher when I dropped her off.
I told the teacher that I don’t doubt it is little more than girls being girls.  The problem is, Libby has four brothers, and boys just don’t play like that.
She has never been told ‘I don’t want to be your friend’ or ‘you cant play with us’ and she doesn’t really know how to deal with it.
Her teacher was fantastic, not playing up to her to much, but reassuring her that she will help.
I know she will be fine, the girls are her friends and remembering back to when I was in primary school, girls are always falling out.
Especally as when I pick her up she skips over to me with a beaming smile, telling me what a great day she has had.
I just hope tomorrows school drop off will be better. No matter how much I tell myself she will be fine, when your baby clings to you and begs you not to leave her its hard to shake off that gut wrenching, sick feeling all day.

When you nearly kill your husband

How about when you are peacefully sleeping and your husband wakes you up asking for his phone.
You tell him you don’t have it, but he insists before you fell asleep you put it on charge next to you.
Even though you have absolutely no recollection of this you bolt up and start looking for the phone…….
Nowhere to be found!
He is absolutely certain, after you ask numerous times, he brought it upstairs and gave it to you
So you check everywhere, strip the bed, take the duvet out of the cover incase the phone has some how maneuvered itself down the bed,  in-between the buttons and into the sheet.
No sign of it.
You get on your knees and check under every corner of the bed while he lifts it.
Meanwhile the light is now full on,  risking waking the baby.
You check drawers,  windowsills,  down the toilet,  in the bath…. Even though twenty minutes ago you were catching your zzzz’s.
While hubby stomps around the room insisting its gone,  you try to rationalise unless a pixie has come in and taken it, it would have to be in the room.
You then sit up on your phone and work out how these Tracker things work on your phone so you can locate it in the 220 square foot room you are sitting in! but neither of you can remember the f@cking email address.
You finally take the search that step further and decide to go downstairs to re -trace his steps.
imagine your suprise when you hit the bottom step and see the phone sitting on the sideboard in the hallway.
The next bit?
You prepare your rant and outburst at him for being that stupid.
When you walk in the room,  show him the phone,  and before you can get your words he bellows….
‘Oh my God..
You just took that down there!!!!  You found it here and took it down there ‘
What you want to say is
‘ you f@cking dick, you woke me up,  had me looking everywhere, nearly woke the baby up and then have the gaul to not apologise, you are a total walking W@nker!!!!!!!’
But you just hand it to him,  tell him politely to f@ck off, Get into bed and leave him with the thought that he is a complete ignoramus! 
Then write a blog about it! 
Ps…..He apologised in the end 😂😂😂

Sleepover without the 'sleep'

My father in law looked at me totally baffled yesterday as he was trying to work out exactly which children were staying at my house and which werent.
Two of my kids had stayed at my friend, Rosies the previous night and she had just turned up to drop them off.
In the mean time another friend, Claire was leaving my house.
‘ I’m taking Charlie!’ she shouted
‘ok, leave Caolan with me !’ I yelled back.
Rosie then went to leave,  turned to her two girls and told them to be good and she would see them in the morning.
I could see my father in law trying to work it out like a tricky maths question.  You know the ones,  if three men got in the boat,  one fell out and they pick up four, how many are left in the boat?
‘so who is here?’ he asked
‘ Mikey,  Harri, Libby, Darcie, Sydney, Callan and George ‘
He looked totally bemused, I’m not sure if it was the casual way we had swapped children like handbags or the fact I had seven children for the night.  😂😂😂
They all made a camp in the living room and went to sleep.
…..our at least I thought they had.
I woke up to a text from a friend of mine
‘ Mikey on Insta at 1am 😂’
Along with a pic of her INSTAGRAM with Mikey liking her photo at 1am!
When I came downstairs I was greeted by Harrison
‘ mum,  we did it!! We completed the all night challange’
Oh good im so pleased that  after a week, you finally get over the jet lag and then you stay awake ALL Night.
They think they are smart….  Let’s see how smart they feel when they realise bedtime has been moved to 6 tonight!  😏
In the meantime,  let’s hope Claire and Rosie are still my friends after they read this 😰

Popped the roller-coaster cherry #proudmama

It was a very proud day for me today.
It was a moment,  as a mum, and a lover of roller-coasters and fast rides, I have been waiting for for nine years.
Today, my twin sons lost their roller-coaster virginity!
We have spent the day at Islands of Adventure, the partner the partner theme park of Universal Studios, Orlando.
It’s much more geared for children and thrill seekers than Universal.
Once I had sussed out that they are finally taller than the height restriction my mission started.
I started them off tamely on a Harry Potter simulated ride. 
We then moved from their onto a small outside roller coaster train, which they were really scared about at first but absolutely loved.
Then,  they were ready for it….
The big one!
Well,  I thought they were ready for it.
During the ride i looked at them both and they were so scared they were trying to cry but the force of the ride was so fierce that they couldnt.
When we got off Mikey told me the next thing he wanted to do at the park was punch me in the face for taking them on it.
I was then told I was the worst mum…. Again!
Five minutes later, we asked what their favourite part of the day had been and they both said The Mummy – The big roller-coaster that they had just been moaning at me for taking them on.
F#@k knows what these two are going to be like when they are moany, hormonal teenagers.
Can it really be worse than the basket cases I’m dealing with now?
Whatever,  I gave myself a mental hi-five, Future theme park visits are going to be so much more fun now! 
Go boys!!! 😘